Hannah VanVels

Q3: MG M. Starts off with an effective hook that compels me to keep reading. An effective hook gives me a snapshot of what this book is about in just a sentence or two. It tells me what the MC wants and what stands in their way.

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P2: Writing is stiff and formal. This is something that many MG writers fall into. They try to imitate CS Lewis or other "classic" writers of children's lit. Read widely of recent books that have been published to get a better feel for that elusive MG voice.

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Q2: MG C. The premise of this story strikes me as a little mature for MG and might be better suited for YA. Think about the emotional intensity of your story when writing MG and the internal, emotional wounds of a younger MC.

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P1: Heavy on the telling instead of showing. Put us in the scene with your reader; don't simply tell us about what the MCs are experiencing. We want to experience it too!

I'm gonna drop @Maria_Tureaud's blog post on the topic: mariatureaud.com/2017/08/10/sho…

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Q1: MG F. Starts with the synopsis of the story, which doesn't immediately pull me in. I am a fan of the Hook, Book, Cook layout of a query letter. First start with the hook of your story, then a short summary of the book (no spoilers!), and an author bio.

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P10: Voice drips right off the page. Good use of deep POV, great showing of emotion, and wonderfully close narration. I already have a crush on the love interest. #RevPit #10Queries

Q10: A PR. Concept and story feel very fresh. Some plot confusion which lessens the stakes of the conflict. Remember, lower stakes equal lower tension, and we want ALL the tension in a query! #RevPit #10Queries

P9: VOICE. FOR. DAYS. Really effective use of mood and tone to support this part of the MC’s more tragic backstory. Makes reader feel very close to MC right from the beginning and highly invested. #RevPit #10Queries

Q9: YA R. This is a little out of the ordinary from a traditional query format, but it’s highly effective. Good balance of romance and more serious themes. No comp titles, which are good to include to show that you know how your book fits into the market. #RevPit #10Queries

P8: Gorgeous writing! Good showing of magic and lush world building that is shown rather than told, making the story very immersive right from the beginning. #RevPit #10Queries

Q8: A F. Concept is fire, but conflict is confusing. World needs a bit more context so that the stakes make more sense and more investment in MC. Hard to do with high fantasy, so keep it simple and focused. #RevPit #10Queries

P7: Too much telling and not enough showing and so the reader doesn’t feel invested in the MC or their conflict. Help us get to know the MC in the opening pages by SHOWING us their personality via their interactions with the world. #RevPit #10Queries

Q7: MG HF. Query running a little short (aim for around 300 words), and the plot details feel a little sparse. While we don’t want to overdo it, give enough details so that we know the stakes of the story and feel invested in the MC. #RevPit #10Queries

P6: Voice feels a little mature for traditional MG, but that’s okay! MG readers are at many different reading levels, so this will be down to personal preference. Great concept and pages clarify some of the conflict confusion in the query. #RevPit #10Queries

Q6: MG SPF. Conflict on conflict on conflict. I want to know about the conflict in the query, but stick to the main conflict and save the subplots for the pages. Focus on the stakes of the main conflict and build that tension up, leaving the rest for the pages. #RevPit #10Queries

P5: Opening has a bit too much telling and not enough showing. It’s feeling backstory-heavy, which takes us out o the plot and lessens tension. Reveal backstory as it’s necessary, and you don’t need to do it all up front. #RevPit #10Queries

Q5: A CM. Great voice in the query letter that doesn’t come off as gimmicky but rather promises personality in the pages. Some stakes are lost in the query due to a few confusing points. Queries should be all about the stakes and showing the tension. #RevPit #10Queries

P4: Voice feels a little old for YA, and depending on the timeline we spend the most time in and the themes focused on, this might be better pitched as an A project instead. Evaluate comps to see where this might fit into the market. #RevPit #10Queries

Q4: YA SPF. Starts with a great one-liner hook. Multiple timelines in this book, and the details are a little hazy on which timeline is which in the query, and so I’m missing stakes due to confusion. Keep as simple and straightforward as possible in the query. #RevPit #10Queries

P3: Natural voice and good introduction to MC. Flirty banter with love interest has me making heart eyes at the love interest as well—this means you’ve got your reader invested! #RevPit #10Queries