Leah Pierre

P9 C T:

It starts as if the MC is talking to the reader then switches to the MC in the present—I would just start her in the present and have her reflect internally without directly the reader

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Q9 C T:

This one could also be streamlined and more straightforward as its coming across more like a summary. Not sure what the stakes are so pick the main conflict and stick with it—the others can come through in the pages

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P8 YA F:

Was not prepare for the pages & it is another one labelled as fantasy but might be contemp/low fantasy.

Remember there are sub genres to fantasy! Very impt to mention which one you are writing in bc it sets up the agent to expect certain things

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Q8 YA F:

So this is a bit long and confusing. I would take some things out to tighten and clarify some of your stakes.

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P7 A F:

Really good! The tension and stakes for both MCs are apparent. Characters are set up well and I feel as if I have a good grasp of the types of characters they will be

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Q7 A F:

Good! But again don’t have to mention all the subplots—leave those to surprise the agent if its not integral to the agents understanding of the beginning.

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P6 YA F:

I’m confused. The query did not prepare me for this to be a contemp fantasy. Also confused about the direction this is going as its not clear. MC (who we don’t know the name of) in and out of conciousness too much

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Q6 YA F:

Really good! I’m ready to go on an adventure with the MCs. Already invested in the choices the MC has to make.

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P5 YA CR:

Good grasp of the MC and her struggles and what she will be challenged by. However there are a few parts that read like info dumps.

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Q5 YA CR:

Needs some trimming but otherwise its good to go! Remember to be concise with these—you don’t have to touch on every subplot, only the important ones.

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P4 C CR:

The pages are a bit slow and I think we can learn a bit more about the MCs personally and their individual dynamics.

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Q4 C CR:

Oh, my heart. This seems really cute and heartfelt. I already feel the tugs on my heart strings.

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P3 A CR:

Great blend of old and new! I’m sucked in! Great establishment of characters and their purpose as well as of the plot and stakes

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Q3 A CR:

Really good! Covers everything: plot, stakes, and the roles the MCs are to play

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P2 YA CR:

The pages are really good! Great job of introducing us to the conflict and tension. The only thing is that the MC is a bit too much in her head so its hard to picture setting and understand dynamics

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Q2 YA CR:

Giving a bit too much in the query. Lets take a few sentences out and make a few other ones stronger. Remember to touch only on the relevant that will hook the agent.

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P1 A RS:

Get rid of the first three pages and start the opening with the MCs arrival. Oh and go into a bit more of the reasons behind the MCs decision.

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Q1 A RS:

This is coming across more as a summary than a pitch. You are covering too many plot points--just focus on the main one.

Also, tho the genre is a romantic supsense I’m getting more romance vibes from this query.

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P10 YA A:

Amazing MC personality from the get go! Can already tell she's going to be unique! A bit of clarification is needed concerning the quest of this character but nothing a few added sentences won't fix.

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Q10 YA A:

Great tone and it conveys the stakes/plot really well w/o giving too much away! Only suggestion is to add a bit about the why behind everything.

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