Hannah VanVels @hannahvanvels · Apr 25

Q20: A F. Ruh roh, typos in the query. Not a dealbreaker for me, TBH. Pages seem slightly young. Is this really YA masquerading as A? There seems to be a coming-of-age theme here. I like the immediacy of the voice! YA or A? A or YA? 💛 #RevPit #10Queries

Hannah VanVels @hannahvanvels · Apr 25

Q19: MG C. The query focuses on a few too many subplots so is a bit meandering. Stick to the main points and tease in the query. Writing comes off as a bit stiff and formulaic. Vary sentence structure to add more playfulness and make those pages sing! 💔 #RevPit #10queries

Hannah VanVels @hannahvanvels · Apr 25

Q18: A F. The query promises that this will be dark, dark, dark! But the pages feel only darkish, so something's not lining up here. Think of your query + pages as a package--you need them to match in tone and be consistent. 💔 #RevPit #10Queries

Hannah VanVels @hannahvanvels · Apr 25

Q17: MG F. I need a little more of an introduction to the concept in the query before diving right in as I'm not 100% following the premise. The dialogue & writing is a little too formal for MG. It feels like trying to imitate CS Lewis. I want YOUR voice! 💔 #RevPit #10Queries

Hannah VanVels @hannahvanvels · Apr 25

Q16: Comps to my favorite books so I'm immediately interested. The premise seems fairly close to the comps, but is the premise TOO close that it comes off as derivative? Morally gray hero jumps off the first pages. Fav trope alert! 💚 #RevPit #10Queries

Hannah VanVels @hannahvanvels · Apr 25

Q15: YA H. Query is dark & atmospheric & promises the creep factor. But there's a disconnect with the pages in tone. Where's the creep factor that the query promised? Is it coming later? This starts pretty light for H, which I don't expect from the genre. 💛 #RevPit #10Queries

Hannah VanVels @hannahvanvels · Apr 25

Q14: A F. Great logline that succinctly teases the story. Original concept but the writing isn't quite there for me yet. It needs a little deeper POV and more emotional depth to connect with the MC in opening pages. Maybe I can help here though... 💛 #RevPit #10Queries

Hannah VanVels @hannahvanvels · Apr 25

Q13: YA SF. Query ends on a great cliffhanger that puts my own copywriting skills to shame. This author knows how to tantalize! The pages rely a lot on dialogue tags and adverbs, which weakens the dialogue and the prose.💔 #RevPit #10Queries

Hannah VanVels @hannahvanvels · Apr 25

Q12: MG H. Clear stakes in query that tease the pages are going to be super creepy, just how I like it. Deep POV in the opening pages and goodness, this IS creepy. Is this going to be too dark for MG? Guess we'll find out! 💚 #RevPit #10Queries

Hannah VanVels @hannahvanvels · Apr 25

Q11: MG F. The query is more synopsis than teaser. The pages start off in media res, which makes doesn't give a clear sense of the "before," lessening the stakes. What normal do we want to return to after the conflict is over? #RevPit #10queries

Megan Manzano @Megan_Manzano · Apr 25

Q10 - MG A

Query lays out characters, wants, and stakes. Really charmed by the premise.

Pages hold up and do a good job of giving me a sense of the MCs lives. They're also adorable! This story may not need my help but can't be sure yet.

R

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Megan Manzano @Megan_Manzano · Apr 25

Q9 - YA C

Word count is too long for genre. Query only summarizes plot versus hooking us on character & stakes.

Dialogue in the pages feel stilted and makes it hard to connect. Thinks the opening would need to be rewritten to better engage reader.

P

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Megan Manzano @Megan_Manzano · Apr 25

Q8 - YA SF

Love the query and want to see how the characters play out on the pages. Stakes and world are 🔥

Pages aren't as engaging as I would like. Think it starts with the wrong POV. Can be fixed and I need to know more.

R

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Megan Manzano @Megan_Manzano · Apr 25

Q7 - YA C

Query has strong hook and does well with introducing multiple MCs & their wants. Stakes need to hit harder to make this a perfect query.

Pages have good voice, but we're rushed through the opening which makes connecting hard. Could be fixed!

M

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Megan Manzano @Megan_Manzano · Apr 25

Q6 - MG F

Query is great and has me intrigued about the world.

Pages start with a prologue which I don't think is needed. Should open with MC. The writing is good and I see potential to enhance the opening and voice.

Let's see if I could do more!

R

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Megan Manzano @Megan_Manzano · Apr 25

Q5 - YA SF

Strong hook in the query but doesn't land on what the MC has to lose/why they care about the conflict.

Pages headhop (jump from narrator to narrator mid-scene). Makes it hard to follow. Would ask if all characters are needed.

P

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Megan Manzano @Megan_Manzano · Apr 25

Q4 - YA SF

Query pulls me in with concept/stakes of the MC. Want to know more based on that alone.

Too distant from narrator in the pages which makes it hard to connect. However, I'm considering if there's a way to fix it since I was hooked by query.

M

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Megan Manzano @Megan_Manzano · Apr 25

Q3 - YA F

Query has all the pieces I need and I love the concept.

Pages also strong. Immediately introduced to the MC and want to know how they deal with the shock dropped on them in the opening.

Wondering if I'm needed, but only one way to find out!

R

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Megan Manzano @Megan_Manzano · Apr 25

Q2 - MG C

Query focuses heavily on backstory of the world. Shift this to the characters and how their stakes/wants are impacted by the world.

Pages were filled with exposition and therefore left me without a sense of the MC so I couldn't connect.

Pass

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Megan Manzano @Megan_Manzano · Apr 25

Q1 - YA F

Query has nice prose but it doesn't tell us about the characters or stakes. Hard to understand what the story is about.

Pages don't give us the deep POV we need to connect to the MC. Try changing the scene so it better engages your MC.

Pass

#RevPit #10Queries